Getting what you asked for . . .

but not what you wanted.

This Musing is going to be a funny one. I almost thought about calling it the anti-musing, though I’ve found some peace since then about it all.

Back in the start of April, I wrote in my Spring Musings about feeling the pull of life slowing down. I wrote about how my goal was to orient myself toward being grounded and present. And nearly one month later it’s exactly what I got . . . and yet it was not what I wanted at all.

I have cancer.

Breast cancer to be exact. I went in for my first ever screening mammogram because I’m forty. You know, trying to be responsible. Then they found something. This was followed by more mammograms, ultrasounds, and a biopsy, only to confirm the worst imaginable news. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

THIS was not what I meant by slowing down!

Many of us know the story of “that person was the healthiest I know, and they got cancer.” That is me. I don’t smoke and rarely drink. I eat mostly organic and homemade, and things like soda and fast food have been off the table for a decade. Between climbing, rowing, walking, weight training, and yoga, I’m active 4-5 days a week.

All the things they say increase your odds, aren’t me. I’m a healthy weight with no major health issues. My daily meds are multivitamins and Zyrtec. My family has no history of women with breast or ovarian cancer. I don’t eat meat, so I’m not exposed to charcoal or deli meat nitrates. I wear SPF 50!

So to say I was surprised was an understatement.

I was shattered.

My mind spun deeper and deeper into how bad it is, and what the rest of my life will look like. The waiting made time crawl. It was hard to go even 30 minutes without crying, all while trying to be a good mom and wife. I’ve never had to be so present.

Then came the tour of hospitals and doctor’s offices, all inundating me with information about what would happen, what could happen, and what my options are. The result was two main things: Confirmation it hasn’t spread, and a plan for treatment: surgery and then chemo.

Recovery won’t be easy. It will test me to be more present than I ever have before, but it will be worth it. All I want is to live a full life, and be a mom to my beautiful daughter.

I can do hard things.

the gorgeous gift from my daughter this mother’s day

Why do I share all of this with you? Well three reasons. One, I am a firm believer in telling the truth. It’s a mantra in our home. We tell the truth, even when it’s hard. So to leave this monumental detail out of these Musings would feel dishonest.

I also think it’s a story worth sharing. When they found cancer on my first mammogram I thought, what are the odds? I must be one in a million! But the truth is I’m only one in a hundred. The leading cause of breast cancer is being a woman. This is why screening appointments matter so much. They can find things before it’s too late.

The second reason is this is most certainly impacting my creativity. Everything has come to a halt. Believe me when I say I got what I asked for. It’s not one day at a time over here, it’s one hour at a time. There are waves of confidence as I build the armor to take this on, and waves of fear that it will take me to a place beyond what I’m capable of handling.

So how do we as writers, artists, and creatives move forward when life rocks us like this? When we get such a curve ball thrown at us that the world shifts on its axis? For me, it’s been about letting the parade pass. I’m absolving myself of any pressure to create today, knowing that the rest of my year is going to be different.

I also have hope that my creative energy will come back. I don’t need to know what the future brings specifically, but I can trust I will get back to writing, even if I don’t know when.

Most importantly, there doesn’t have to be pressure to know when. I will feel that whisper one day, and I will follow it. No grand moment needed.

There is room for hope in uncertainty.

The last reason is really bigger than me and my cancer. The world is full of so much beauty and joy, but there is also a lot of hard times too, and you just really don’t know what people are going through.

I find myself driving now, looking at people in passing cars and wondering “are they navigating a life altering moment right now?” Because that’s who I am. I am the mom at the park, trying to bring joy to my daughter’s day, despite my insides twisting. I’m the stranger in the restaurant with clenched fists under the table so I don’t cry. I’m the woman listening to people make plans for their future without an idea of what mine will look like.

So as you move through your week, treat people around you with not only kindness, but empathy. Visualize channeling it to them, because there are strangers in your life that could use a little more strength right now.

For this week’s creative spark, I’m going to talk more about what’s going on with my health, and a tool I’ve been using to get through this. So if you are curious to hear more from me, and gain some insight to help you navigate overwhelm or stagnation, you can use the link below to get access. It will come out this Friday afternoon.

Look forward to chatting then, and sending good vibes for your creativity this week.

Keep on creating,

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How my creativity looks this week: * *crickets* *

Where I’m seeing the muse: baby chickens. I had the pleasure of holding some baby chickens that were just a few days old. Seeing life in such a pint sized form was really inspiring.

A Creative Reminder from the six of pentacles: find peace in the duality of having and not having. We are all on our own journey. Still, you can feel the flow of abundance in your creations. Allow yourself to give and receive freely to keep that flow alive.

from Chris-Anne’s Muse Tarot Deck

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